Movies Get Dumb and Dumber

Spoiler alert: If you’re determined to see "The Heartbreak Kid," do so at your own risk, and stop here.

If not, read on to learn about the sorry state of American cinematic comedy.

The climactic scene in this comedy (and I use the term loosely) involves jilted bride Lila (Malin Akerman) straddling new husband Eddie (Ben Stiller) — who is lying face down on a Mexican beach — pulling down her pants and urinating onto his back.

The literal point of this episode, if you care to picture it, is that this technique is an effective pain remedy when one has a Portuguese man o’war lodged in one’s back.

Got that?

It might come in handy some day.

Now, you could interpret this as the intimate, selfless act of a loving wife, who just happens to describe herself as an "environmental researcher" and knows about such things as urine and aquatic organisms.

But in the hyperventilating, teenage-addled brains of the Farrelly Brothers (directors of "Shallow Hal" and "There’s Something About Mary"), this image represents the nightmare of woman triumphant over castrated, doomed male. So naturally Eddie’s reaction is to dump his wife (of one week) for good and go on a vision quest for some other cute chick named Miranda (Michelle Monaghan) whom he’s met while on his honeymoon.

It helps that Miranda is everything Lila is not: demure rather than sexually assertive, mothering but not independent and career-driven, compliant instead of (horrors!) stubborn. This last trait wins Lila her quick comeuppance, as she refuses to use sunblock and gets fried, providing the excuse for Eddie to leave her shut inside their honeymoon suite while chasing the (other) girl of his dreams.

Of course, just to hedge their bets, the Farrellys slather every kind of caricature on Lila as thick as the Noxzema cream on her face. "Environmental researcher" is shorthand for "empty-headed bimbo," and because Eddie has rushed into marriage seemingly without bothering to learn a thing about the woman to whom he’s betrothed, he’s treated to a raft of surprises involving, among other things, objects that get stuck in Lila’s nose.

Sure, Eddie comes in for a little ribbing from his father (real-life dad Jerry Stiller) and best friend (Rob Corddry) for his rashness, but that shouldn’t distract us from who’s really at fault here, which is why it’s fine to give her the ol’ heave-ho. Why, her mother is even fat, and what could possibly be worse than that?!

What does it mean that in the Neil Simon original made in 1972, the blonde bombshell Cybill Shepherd played the "other" girl and in this remake Miranda is brunette? In Hollywood, that probably passes as "progress" — maybe even women’s lib. And look, they’ve even updated the protagonist’s name from "Lenny" to "Eddie." Oooh, what deep meaning is hidden in that cipher? How many writers’ meetings did it take to come up with that brilliant idea?

This movie is so unfunny (OK, I chuckled maybe half-a-dozen times) that it resorts to having comedian Carlos Mencia deadpanning lines, followed by a broad "I’m just joking!" Meanwhile, the stereotypes keep piling up like bodies in a morgue — gays, Southerners, dominatrix wives, you name it. The ringtone on Corddry’s cell phone plays the "Wicked Witch" theme from "The Wizard of Oz" every time his wife calls.

What will they think of next?

One of the few amusing twists in this utterly predictable movie comes about because of a misunderstanding promulgated by a couple of teenage twin brothers. I think it’s fair to say that the Farrellys see themselves as those boys, and their humor is about on a par with theirs. Like the title of their first feature film, their movies just get dumb and dumber.