How to help your LGBTQ-plus family

So your child just came out to you as one of the many LGBTQ+ identities. You’ve never experienced this type of situation before. Where do you go from here? What can you do to help your child live comfortably?

There are two common mental health disorders that solely impact the LGBTQ+ community: internalized homophobia and/or transphobia and gender dysphoria.

Internalized homophobia and transphobia are the belief that the common myths and negative stereotypes about the gay or transgender communities are correct and that you are therefore a bad or dangerous person because you identify with these communities. 

“I didn’t want to accept that I was anything other than straight and cisgender,” said Lena Teixeira, a recently graduated senior from The Gilbert School in Winsted. “I realized I was LGBT when I was too exhausted to keep telling myself I wasn’t.”

Gender dysphoria is the feeling that one’s emotional and psychological gender is different from one’s physical sex and commonly comes with a detachment from or a hatred of one’s body, especially gender-specific characteristics. Teixeira said that she started having issues with the appearance of her chest in her sophomore year, but received a chest-binding device, or binder, from a friend.

That friend was Micah Yoder, a 2016 graduate of Housatonic Valley Regional High School, who started his transition from female to male in his sophomore year. Yoder said he was lucky to have never suffered from internalized homophobia or transphobia. “I came out in a time and place I had felt and known would be accepting of me.”

PFLAG, a national nonprofit that works specifically with parents and allies of LGBT individuals, offers a number of resources for families, including advice on how to react when a family member comes out. Things like using the correct pronouns and making a conscious acknowledgment of one’s attractions (i.e. not suggesting men for your lesbian daughter to date) are very important to show that you support your LGBTQ-plus family member.

“My parents had altogether stopped using my birth name about five months after my coming out to them,” Yoder said. According to PFLAG, learning the correct terminology and showing respect for a loved one’s chosen name are two of the most important things one can do to make someone who has come out as trans feel comfortable. Birth names, or dead names as they are often called, can lead to bouts of anxiety and dysphoria for trans people.

Yoder and Teixeira also said that reaching out to third parties helped them. Yoder attends a trans support group every month and Teixeira attends counseling for mental health issues alongside her gender dysphoria.

 “I have met a lot of people like me and we talk and hang out as often as we can,” said Yoder.

Overall, the best thing to do is to find out as much as you can about what your children may be going through. 

“Educate yourself,” Teixeira and Yoder both said, noting that they were both lucky enough to have very supportive parents. “The more you know, the more you can teach.”

“Intolerance stems from ignorance,” Teixeira said. “Let your kids come to you and don’t be offended if it takes a while.” 

Local resources like counselors can be found by contacting the Housatonic Youth Service Bureau at 860-824-4720 or online at www.hysb.org. Parent resources can be found through PFLAG online at www.pflag.org or through any of their four Connecticut chapters. Other resources can be found through True Colors Hartford at www.ourtruecolors.org or GLSEN at www.glsen.org/chapters/Connecticut.