People annoying you?

I asked a friend of mine recently  what he thought the real reason was that people get irritated with other people so much. “Because everyone is irritable and everyone is irritating,† he responded. I thought this was so funny that I had to include it in this article.  And while it is humorous, there is also a bit of truth to it.

The fact is that certain things in other people do bother us, even to the point of complete frustration. Think about the things that bug you in the people around you.  Your brother-in-law is self-centered and everything seems to circle back to him.  Your friend is very controlling and everything has to go according to her plan or there is a meltdown. But, with some awareness about what is causing the reaction inside of you, you may find that you are less vulnerable to these reactions.

So why do other people bother us?  You know the expressions, “It takes one to know one,†and, “Everyone is a mirror.† Whatever irritates you in other people must be inside of yourself first. I’m not talking about someone who is constantly tapping his fingers on the dashboard or the table — that can actually be just plain annoying. But, if there is a trait, quality or action in someone else that pushes your buttons on a deeper level, you probably struggle with exactly the same issue and don’t like it in yourself either.   

You may argue that these are their issues and not yours; but save yourself from being judgmental and take out the mirror because often you are really looking at yourself.

As we have talked about in previous articles, anything that is in your subconscious that you are not aware of will ultimately be triggered by an outside source — many times by other people.  When that trigger is pulled, you think certain thoughts, feel different emotions, and react the same way again and again.  At these times, you are actually “projecting†your own issues away from yourself and onto other people as you see them acting out in a similar way.

It’s not about me...

The biggest problem with our tendency to project our issues onto those around us is that it actually keeps the core issue alive in us.

I have one client who gets totally annoyed by one of her brothers because he is frequently acting put out and annoyed when she calls or asks for something.  

It’s no coincidence that this is the way she herself acts many times with her friends and siblings. She just did not see it until it was pointed out to her.

If this were not a trait that she possessed herself, her brother’s apparent irritation would not push so many buttons in her. By being consumed with irritation with her brother, she takes all the attention away from her own problem. In this way, her own ego is then declared innocent of flaws because the issues have nothing to do with her — it’s about him.

Leading the way to change

If your instinct is to change these undesirable qualities in other people, you will hit a brick wall. You can’t change other people; only they can change themselves. The best way to change someone else’s behavior is to lead by example. If they like what they see, they may be inspired by you and decide to make a change on their own based on how you live.

Taking action

How can you start to take ownership of your own undesirable qualities, instead of projecting them out and making them someone else’s character flaw? The first step is to think about three different things in other people that irritate you.  

Write those things down one at a time and below each one identify two things that you do that others could see as annoying. This is your “work.†If you don’t like it in others, then you don’t like it in yourself either.  

The next step is to commit to one small action for each that would represent a reversal of this trait in the future.  Examples: How can you be less controlling in the future? What can you do to be more at ease with money the next time you need to pay for something? How can you be thinking more about others in a situation where you might just be out for yourself?  

It is possible to get a to a point where, when someone else “bugs†you, you can immediately look within for the source. At first, this might be difficult to digest, but once you get the hang of it, you will resist turning your own tension outward and do some work on yourself instead.  This is a very powerful personal growth tool, and it’s free of charge. As long as you are around other people, raw material for growth will always be provided for you!  

An affirmation that might help goes like this: “When someone else irritates me, I look inside myself for what I can change and improve, and that benefits everyone.â€

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. For more information and previous columns visit theloeningplan.com. Columns can also be found at tcextra.com (click on “healthâ€).