Schlock and awful August 2025

As you seek relief from the relentless summer heat by exploring the bottoms of various barrels, consider 1980’s“Night of the Demon,” a variation on the “Stupid People in the Jungle” genre that began with “King Kong.”

In this example, Professor Nugent wakes up in the hospital with half his face chewed off. The flick reconstructs the tragedy, very slowly.

Seems a Bigfoot has been terrorizing a remote mountain area for years. The prof decides to investigate with his anthropology students, three of whom just happen to be young attractive women.

At long last, a good look at Bigfoot. That he looks like your basic rock band bass player matters not one whit.Provided

The gang piles into a boat and heads down the river with a couple of tents, a coffee pot, and no backpacks. What could go wrong?

Along the way we meet Mr. Carlson, the gun-totin’ mountain hermit, and Crazy Wanda. And a backwoods demon cult. And flashbacks within the flashback of Bigfoot attacking nekkid people in vans.

We’ve got gratuitous jazz flute music. Gratuitous plaid shirts. Gratuitous Bigfoot attack flashbacks. Gratuitous science facts.

Plus a mutant Bigfoot baby that looks like a jumbo order of General Tso’s chicken.

Grocery and dollar stores often carry DVDs and Blu Rays and can be good sources of schlock. One particularly good score was a two-fer disc with “The Howling”, installments V and VI. Oddly enough, V’s release date is two years after VI.

VI has got most of what you want in this type of film, except gratuitous nekkidity.

Now I don’t expect great writing, but can’t we do a little better than this roster of stereotypes? Sheriff who is automatically suspicious of foreigners; peckerwood pol in polyester; preacher/weirdo; preacher’s daughter, anxious to get a little sinning in while she can; evil villain who might or might not be Satan and dresses like a member of the Hellfire Club.

We’re talking cat swinging. Supernaturally evil villain in charge of a circus. Tight pants and checked frock coats on same, which for some is the true horror. Alligator boy. Lycanthropic transformation scenes shot on a very tight budget. Werewolf who looks like the late Michael Jackson after a long night in the Magic Kingdom. Yokels. Guns. Some blood but not as much as you’d think for a werewolf flick.

The immortal Weng Weng, all two feet nine inches of him, had a brief but memorable career, starting with “For Your Height Only,” the flick that, in 1981, took the first ever Manila International Film Festival by storm (which annoyed festival organizer Imelda Marcos).

Weng Weng is Agent 00 and/or Agent 3 ½, depending on the dubbing and subtitles.

Either way, “For Your Height Only” is the greatest film ever made.

You can have your “Citizen Kane” and “Battleship Potemkin.” Spare me your “Rear Window” and “The Third Man.”

Why? Because none of these so-called great films has a tiny secret agent who escapes the bad guys by parachuting from a high balcony with a parasol.

Agent 00 (or 3 ½) is a big fan of the groin punch, the groin being the handiest area on the personal bodies of his assailants for a man of his stature.

“For Your Height Only” has many memorable scenes, but this one might be the best.Provided

And he’s proficient with the mini machine gun and the mini samurai sword.

The flick also features atrocious dubbing in a variety of dialects — Long Island Lockjaw, British dowager, Brooklyn hood.

And the main villain clearly studied at the Moammar Qaddafi Institute of Fashion.

We’ll wrap this up with 1991’s “Karate Cop.” Armed with his sawed-off shotgun and “Special Police” ballcap, John Travis is a post-apocalyptic knight errant, righting what wrongs he can in a hopelessly compromised world, which in this case is Stockton, California.

No nekkidity, for an automatic one-star deduction if Schlock and Awful gave out stars.

Mutant cat man with a speech impediment. Gratuitous police car destruction. Magic motorcycle that never needs refueling. Chain swinging. And the Crown Prince of Schlock, the late David Carradine, and his famous “jacky rabbit stew.”