Hidden in plain sight

It happens in homes, relationships and families that may look peaceful from the outside. It happens to people we see every day, people we think we know well, and it happens to strangers and acquaintances. Sometimes there is a police report or a court filing. Often, there is not.

Domestic violence is often hidden in plain sight.

That is part of what makes Domestic Violence Awareness Month difficult. The problem is not that people do not know domestic violence exists. It is that abuse can be hard to see, hard to name and hard to talk about.

Here in the Northwest Corner, Project SAGE works with hundreds of adults and young people each year. Last year, the organization answered nearly 2,000 hotline calls and helped more than 600 people navigate criminal and civil courts.

Those numbers are local.

So was Carrie Stetson — a community member, a business owner, a mother.

Stetson was killed in June in her Winsted home. Before her death, she had obtained a protective order against her estranged husband. He has since been charged with her murder; the case remains before the courts.

Her death became public in a way most domestic violence never does.

Abuse can include physical violence, but also threats, intimidation, stalking, isolation, financial control and other efforts to control another person. It can build over time. It can be difficult for friends and family to recognize, and difficult for the person experiencing it to know what to do next.

Awareness also has to begin earlier. Young people — and adults, for that matter — need a clearer understanding of what healthy relationships look like: respect for boundaries, independence, disagreement without intimidation and the ability to say no without fear. Knowing those things will not prevent every abusive relationship, but gives people a better chance of recognizing something is wrong before it becomes a crisis.

And when a relationship has become abusive, we still hear some version of the question: Why didn’t they just leave?

There is often no “just” about it.

Leaving can mean finding housing, money, transportation, child care, legal help and a safe place to go. It can mean making all of those decisions while afraid of what may happen next.

Project SAGE exists for those moments, whether someone is preparing to leave, has already left or is still trying to figure out what comes next.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is useful only if it helps us see more clearly: what healthy relationships should look like, what abuse can look like, when someone may be in danger and where help can be found.